


In Which the Avengers Get Sorted

by Livvy1800



Category: Captain America (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Awesome Darcy Lewis, F/M, Sorting into Houses, The Avengers have fun, Tony Stark Feels, everyone loves Harry Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 22:19:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13281018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livvy1800/pseuds/Livvy1800
Summary: Tony walks in on his teammates taking the Sorting quiz on Pottermore, and can't figure out what the big deal is. They're just kids books, right?





	In Which the Avengers Get Sorted

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iamcoffeehawk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamcoffeehawk/gifts).



> A friend and I were messing around, trying to figure out what House each Avenger would be sorted into, and this fic was born. ;D
> 
> Also, if you're wondering, I'm a Slytherpuff, haha...

Tony walks into the common room on the Avengers personal floor, and immediately wishes he hadn't.

“I call bullshit. That thing is broken,” yells Clint, violently waving one arm in the direction of Darcy’s laptop. “How could I get Slytherin the first time around, then Hufflepuff on my second try? That doesn’t even make sense!”

“SlytherPuff, dude. It’s a thing! Get over it!" Darcy shouts him down, then fiddles with the laptop for a minute, and passes it to Wanda. The other girl bends over the laptop, her face a mask of concentration, Vision peering over her shoulder.

“It doesn’t make any _sense_ ,” Clint grumbles, ignoring the amused snort Natasha lets out from where she’s sprawled in an oversized chair by the windows. Tony just stands in the entrance, wondering if everyone has lost their minds. What in the world…? Darcy glances up, then waves at him, grinning like the nut she clearly is. Whatever is happening, he knows this is her fault. Bedlam and madness follow her wherever she goes. He can’t help but like her, though. Even if she does have terrible taste in men.

“Tony! C’mon, get over here,” she says impatiently, patting the space next to her. Tony gives up and starts across the room, but before he can reach the couch, Barnes vaults over the top, onto the free cushion. He throws him a toothy, shit-eating grin as he drops his arm around his girlfriend.

Tony rolls his eyes and settles in one of the open armchairs instead. “What are we doing?”

“Getting Sorted. You know, on Pottermore,” Jane tells him, which does not clear up anything for him. She sees his blank look, and her mouth drops open. “Tony, tell me you’ve read the Harry Potter books.”

Why the hell would he read a bunch of kids books?

“Yeah, no, I don’t have time to delve into the wonderful world of children’s literature.” He twists in his seat to look at Steve and Sam as they come in from the kitchen, holding bowls of popcorn. “I guess I can understand if they were included on your list of shit to catch up on, Rogers. But what’s your excuse, Wilson?”

Sam raises his eyebrows. “Uhhh, they’re great books? You know we’ve _all_ read them, right? Except you.”

Tony jerks around to stare at Natasha. She inclines her head, a small smile playing about her lips. _Betrayal._ Well, fine then. Whatever. That just makes him the only mature one in the room.

Yeah, that sounds ridiculous even in his head.

Slumping in his chair, he grumpily eats the popcorn Steve hands him and watches as his teammates pass around the laptop. Darcy and Clint are something called SlytherPuffs, even though Clint continued to protest it, saying it wasn’t a true sorting. Steve, Thor, and Sam get Gryffindor, all three looking proud of themselves. Jane, who’s in Ravenclaw, just rolls her eyes and comments that it isn’t always a _good_ thing.

Darcy snickers. “Yeah, Steve is definitely a Gryffindor. Remember the time he jumped out of a quinjet without a parachute?”

Avoiding Bucky’s glare, Steve clears his throat, passing the laptop to Vision. “We, uhh, we don’t need to talk about that.”

“Yeah, we do, pal,” says Bucky, voice full of menace, as he points one gleaming metal finger at his best friend. “Not now, maybe not even today. But we _will_ talk about it.”

Steve tries to shrink back into the arm Sam’s thrown over his shoulders, which is pretty hilarious considering his size. The big blond’s boyfriend just pats his arm in a soothing manner, and bites his lip to keep from laughing.

Thor is in the corner, talking seriously to Wanda, who looks like she’s going to bust a gut. All Tony catches is, “--definitely Slytherin. One time, when we were children, knowing I love snakes…”

Vision quietly announces that he is a Ravenclaw, getting a high five from Rhodey who is also Sorted into that house. House? Hall? Whatever. Tony really doesn't care. He’s only sticking around for the popcorn. He has no interest in any of this. So what if he briefly wonders which house he’d belong in? He has no context for it, it wouldn’t mean anything to him anyway. But he can’t help watching with interest as Natasha unwinds herself and rises from her chair to take the laptop from Vision.

There’s a long moment of silence as everyone in the room stares at her, the redhead’s fingers flying over the keyboard. Finally, she sits back, face impassive. The whole room, Tony included (much to his dismay) holds their breath as the assassin narrows her eyes at the screen in front of her. “Huh.”

Squirming in her seat, Darcy clearly can’t take the tension anymore. “ _What?_ Nat, what did you get?” she bursts out, leaning forward, almost falling off the couch.

“Hufflepuff.”

“See?” Clint shouts, pumping his fist in victory. “I told you the damn thing was broken! I said it. It’s all a bunch of bullshit.”

“No, I can see it.” Everyone looks around to see Pepper getting off the elevator. She sends Natasha a wide smile. “Think about it. Patience, loyalty, dedication. Justice. _Those Hufflepuffs are true and unafraid of toil._ Fits Nat to a T, in my opinion.”

The redhead just smiles back, looking pleased as she settles in her chair again, ignoring Clint’s wide open mouth. Tony is also in danger of catching flies. He blinks at Pepper as she perches on his knee, her long legs crossing elegantly at the ankle.

“You’ve read Harry Potter?”

“You haven’t?”

“Ouch, Pep,” he replies, rubbing his heart, wounded to the quick. Or at least offended. Probably. “Well, take the test thing, let’s see what you get.”

She raises one eyebrow. “Oh, I got Sorted months ago. Ravenclaw.” After exchanging a thumbs up with Jane and Bucky, who was put in the same house as the two women, Pepper looks down at him again. “I think I need to get you a copy of the series. If you give it a chance, I really think you’d like them.”

“Don’t bother, I won’t read them.” Tony puts his hands on her waist, lifting her up as he stands. “Well kids, it was fun, thanks for the popcorn and the laughs, I have some actual work to go do now. Call me for dinner.”

He strides out to a chorus of boos and catcalls, and heads down to the labs, shaking his head in exasperation. It’s the same exasperation he feels three days later when a stack of hardcover books is waiting for him on one of the lab tables. He manages to ignore them for a week. Then one night, at about 3am, he’s stuck on a problem, can’t find his way around it, and needing a distraction, picks up the first volume.

The first book takes him three hours, the second another three, and he only stops there because FRIDAY is insisting he find his bed. Sliding under the blanket next to Pepper, he burrows close, wrapping one arm over her waist. She murmurs sleepily, snuggling back against him.

“Pretty sneaky, Pep,” he muttered, rubbing his chin on the soft skin of her shoulder. She makes a pleased sound as she comes fully awake. Nibbling her earlobe, loving the way she sighs and melts against him, Tony waits until he thinks he’s softened her up enough. “So what’s the connection between Voldemort and Harry? Does he go dark too?”

Pepper laughs, turning to face him, amusement sparkling in her gorgeous eyes. “Oh, no. I’m not telling. You have to read it for yourself.”

“What? C’mon, Pep. You know I hate surprises!”

Pepper rolls on top of him, straddling his hips, her long pale hair shining in the moonlight. “Well, then let me explain exactly what I plan to do to you for the next half hour…”

The day Tony finally finishes the last book, he closes it, places it carefully on his work bench, and goes for a walk. His heart aches in competition with the satisfaction of knowing everything has turned out as well as possible for the trio of heroes. But he knows what it’s like to lose someone, to lose nearly _everyone_. He knows what it’s like to wish his parents back, to want them standing at his side through fear and pride. He supposes that his work, the brilliance he inherited from his father, is a bit like Harry’s Patronus. It protects him, sets him apart, and comforts him in times of desperation.

Later, back in his workshop, he asks FRIDAY to pull up Pottermore. Then he just stares at the quiz for a while, considerably more anxious about it than any middle-aged man has a right to be. “Alright, alright, suck it up, Stark. It’s just a stupid quiz,” he mutters to himself. He clicks on the first question.

An hour later, Tony storms into the dining room, still fuming, and glares at his teammates, who are gathered around the table for dinner. “Barton is right. The Pottermore test is bullshit! I read the books, and I am _not_ Slytherin.”

There’s a moment of surprised silence, then Darcy pipes up, “No, I think that works.” Tony draws back, offended, but she waves her hands, continuing. “Listen, everyone thinks being Sorted into Slytherin is terrible. That it means you’re selfish, sneaky, manipulative, and pretty much destined to become a bad guy. Not true. Those are just the bad traits, and everyone’s got some of _those_.”

She points at Steve and Sam. “Gryffindor: brave but reckless, courageous but restless, loyal but stubborn as heck.” Moving on to Jane, Darcy says, “Ravenclaw: intelligent and clever, but they also tend to be bossy and little know-it-alls, _even when they don’t know everything, ahem, Jane_.” Nodding down the table at Nat, she continues, “You know what Hufflepuff’s good traits are already, but they also have a tendency to get into their own heads too much and need someone to pull them out.”

Propping her chin on her fist, Darcy looks back at Tony. “Yeah, Slytherins got a bad rep, due to some douchewaffles who made shitty life decisions. But being in Slytherin also means you’re smart, ambitious, and resourceful. It’s all about making choices, and I think you’ve already chosen how you want to use your talents.”

“Oh.” Tony sits down, a little stunned at the new information she’s given him.

“And did you know,” asks Darcy as she pilfers a chicken leg off Bucky’s plate, elbowing him hard in the ribs when he tries to snatch it back. “Harry was _almost_ Sorted into Slytherin. He was only put in Gryffindor because he asked to be there, like his father and mother were. I think he would have been fine in either house, to be honest. He’s a good person with a solid moral compass and a strong need to protect people who can’t protect themselves. Sounds like you’re in the right house to me.”

She smiles over at him before turning away to question Jane on something they’d worked on that afternoon, and soon everyone falls back into conversation. Tony eats his dinner quietly, for once in his life, thinking over everything she’s said.  When he looks at it from that light… maybe being Sorted into Slytherin isn’t so bad after all. He’s not thrilled to be sharing House colors with Loki, but hey, can’t have it all.

The lab _would_ look pretty sweet in green and silver now that he thinks of it. Smiling, Tony pulls up a materials order form on his Starkpad, and gets to work.

 


End file.
